Toxic
by alopecia
Summary: Post S2: Ryan deals with the aftermath of 'The Shot'. AU. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Seth clenched his teeth. The soft clinking of silverware against fine china and careful conversation grated his nerves. It smacked of Newport society, which he hoped was furthest from the truth since he was having dinner at home with his very tense parents and his very absent brother. Ryan hadn't told anyone he would miss dinner and he wasn't picking up his cell. Nobody should be too surprised. Lately Ryan wasn't home even when he was home. When he wasn't hiding out in the poolhouse, he was unfailingly polite but distant. It had taken time for Ryan to perfect this mask. He was anything but controlled a month ago.

_Seth rushed in to see Ryan fall back from Trey's rumpled body. He backpedaled until his back hit the wall, and he slid into a huddle next to Marissa. But each was in his own world. Ryan stared vacantly at the gun lying dormant on the floor in front of them. His face streamed with tears, immune to Marissa's violent sobbing, he repeated in a barely audible voice, "What have I done?" Seth and Summer stood by shocked dumb at first. Then Seth stepped into Ryan's face blocking the view of Trey and the gun and shook him. Ryan angrily refocused on Seth and pushed him away saying, "Stay away from me." As they listened to the sirens get closer and closer, Seth kept his distance and spoke soothingly, hoping the wild look in Ryan's eyes would be tame by the time the police questioned him. There hadn't been many more words between them since._

Seth sighed and looked up from pushing around his full plate of take-out to see his parents passing concerned looks his way. Out of habit Seth considered saying something witty to distract them from going parental on him, but decided against it. Everything was different since 'The Shot' –that's what he called it anyways. Trey still lay in a prison hospital after barely surviving the gunshot wound. Marissa was only days ago cleared of criminal charges and whisked off to Europe. And Ryan, well, his charges were dropped, too, but beyond that how Ryan was doing was anybody's guess.

"This is stupid. I'm done," Seth said standing up to leave.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sandy challenged.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing," he said with a snort, "I'm just a guy finished with dinner. Not a guy with a missing brother that no one seems to care about." He turned toward the kitchen.

"Hold on, your mom and I feel just as bad as you do. Ryan is dealing with some big issues. We need to give him room to sort things out."

"Dad, from first hand experience I can say your laissez-faire attitude sucks." Seth rested his hands on the back of a chair, and spoke carefully as if he were controlling his anger or speaking to a slow child. "Did you really think I was outgrowing my shoes very week? That I was black and blue because I secretly played tackle football? Look the other way if it helps you, but I'm going to find him."

Sandy's face reddened with impatience. "No, you don't just drop a bomb like that and walk out. If you want us to feel guilty, we do. And if we did wrong by you Seth, your mom and I are more sorry than you'll ever know." Sandy's voice quieted and he continued sadly, "This isn't about you Seth. Ryan and this brother…"

Seth interrupted impatiently, "He's my brother, too."

"Ryan trusted his brother and Trey betrayed him. What Trey did was criminal, unconscionable but Ryan's got a mixed up sense of loyalty, you know that. Ryan has confessed that he wanted to kill Trey, and almost did. Then doubting Marissa before knowing what she really went through… Please, give Ryan some time."

"You have no idea what Ryan's going through; he isn't talking to me and he sure as shit isn't talking to you guys," Seth shouted out in anger. "You think he'll fix himself because that's what you want to believe. Dad, you ignored my problems, Mom's problems, and now Ryan's. Mom, what do you think?"

They turned to Kirsten. She had returned from the Suriak Center to continue therapy as an outpatient as soon as she heard the news about Ryan. The worst of the physical withdrawal was over, but she looked tired and strained. She spoke softly, "Seth, please sit down." Seth paused for a moment before he sat down reluctantly.

"I think," she began then frowned uncomfortably and rotated her water glass absently, "Ryan doesn't even want to be with us for dinner. Maybe we should set some boundaries."

"Maybe? Maybe? Oh, you think so, Mom? Between you and Ryan, it's Shaun of the Dead around here. He cut summer college prep class and you guys did nothing. We haven't played PS2, gone to the pier, -"

Sandy raised his hand to gesture Seth to stop abruptly. "Cut it out. You're hurting. We all are. But do not take your frustration out on your mom. Too bad if Ryan can't entertain you, Ryan-is-not-your-hired-playmate," Sandy roared.

"Don't twist my words like a lawyer. Those were example of how out of it he is, not a complaint. Damn it," Seth swore, "you say the door is always open but you never listen when it matters."

Seth looked up at his father only to see Ryan standing quietly behind him in the doorway. From his distraught expression he had overheard enough. Seth dropped his gaze.

"Sandy," Kirsten said quietly and gestured with her head to Ryan.

Ryan straightened up as all eyes turned to him. The bruises on his face and neck were faint now, but his hand was still bound in a soft cast. They stared at him, and he lifted the cast in a vague gesture. "I'm sorry, I'm causing all kinds of trouble between you guys... I was walking and lost track of time. It won't happen again. I swear."

"Seth, can we have a moment with Ryan?" Sandy asked.

Seth cast Ryan a sympathetic look before offering a mock salute and leaving the room.

* * *

There was a soft knock at the poolhouse door. Ryan sat on the bed and stared at the door. It was Seth, of course. Ryan opened his mouth to grunt his permission to enter, but closed it again without saying anything. He didn't feel up to talking. He had been successfully avoiding Seth these last weeks, feigning fatigue or other excuses until Seth got the message. Sandy and Kirsten's pep talk and offers of condolences were enough to bear for one night.

After a moment's pause, Seth's quiet shuffle away from the door could be heard. Seth was so predictable in some ways. Ryan knew Seth was hoping to make amends, and Ryan could clearly imagine his hurt, baffled expression. But the respectful knocking and the quick retreat were a surprise. Everyone was trying so damn hard to be nice to him.

Ryan hesitated before he jumped up and opened the door. "I was dressing," he mumbled.

Seth bounded through the door with a small smile. "Did they give you the routine?" He bounced on the bed pleased to be have earned a reprieve from his banishment. It had been awhile since Ryan had let him in. "They usually fall back on the carrot and stick approach; do this and you'll get that. You know, the usual parent thing."

Ryan grimaced and shrugged; there were no carrots in the Atwood home.

"I mean did they ground you?"

"For being late to dinner? No, they wanted me to promise to have dinner with the family every night, and umm, … they're worried, come talk when I wanted." Ryan flopped into the chair next to the occupied bed and pulled a pillow over his middle, fiddling with the pillow's decorative tassel.

"Did you talk to them?"

"Nothing to say," Ryan said wearily.

"You can talk to me," Seth offered with wide, open eyes.

Ryan's silence didn't faze Seth. "So I know the summer didn't start off well, but we can regroup. Maybe pull out the Pings and play a round at Cabo, or," Seth said looking around the room until his eyes fell on a soccer ball, "soccer? More your specialty. We could practice kicking and dribbling or whatever it is you do." Seth went and picked up the ball, bouncing it from knee to knee. "See, I'm not as bad as ..." The ball got away from Seth and knocked a vase from the side table which broke into a few clean pieces.

"Okay, okay, stop before you destroy the world. Just say it if you have to."

"Are you sure? Because you've never let me before."

Ryan sighed. "I won't stop you this time."

Seth began to pace in a short pattern along the length of the bed. He dragged his hand through his hair and let out a loud breath. "Okay." He nodded nervously to no one. Each word was said slowly and empathically. "Ryan, thank you for finally letting me say I am so sorry. I was wrong to say anything about what Summer told me. If I hadn't told you, you wouldn't have gone to Trey's and … if I hadn't told Summer where you were going, Marissa wouldn't have gone either."

"We're cool, Seth." Ryan added when Seth raised his eyebrows skeptically, "It was me who went off. I would have found out sometime. I'm just sorry for dragging you guys into my mess, again." Ryan's tone was even, and he yawned and said, "I'm kinda beat."

"That's it? C'mon, bro. There is depth to your pain you can't hide. Let me help with your load. Talk to me," Seth pleaded.

Ryan's eyes only narrowed. "How many times do we have to do this? I'm toxic, don't you get it? One drama after another, and each time you guys might have been hurt. We're lucky Trey took the hit this time. A slightly different timing, and it could have easily been you or Marissa or Summer. Think of that?"

"I owe you everything, dude. You made me see that not everyone in Newport is shit, that I'm not shit."

"You owe me nothing. Maybe your life seemed boring before I came, but boring doesn't sound half bad now." Ryan looked up earnestly. "I'm not sure what might set me off, Seth. I couldn't forgive myself if one of you got hurt. I'm not sure I have control..."

"So we get you some help. What's the point of having a WASP for a mom if not to use her money? I hear Suriak has a free room."

Ryan's face only hardened.

"Freezing us out hurts us, too."

"I'm sorry, that's all I got now."

Seth shook his head despondently, and they sat there quietly before Seth gave up and left the poolhouse.

* * *

Author's note: Thanks to FredSmith for a great beta job. I wasn't so keen to post this until FS gave me an encouraging shove. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Sandy seems to think you're getting better, but then he has always been the optimist." Kirsten pulled a neat stack of white clothes out a shopping bag and put them on Ryan's bed. "There was a sale," she explained smiling weakly.

Ryan stood with his back pressed against the counter watching Kirsten out of the corner of his eyes.

She fingered a pair of socks nervously before sitting on the edge of the bed. "Trey is out of the hospital now, I think Sandy already told you? We'll take you to see him if you want. But you know what's best; we've learned that lesson."

Kirsten's eyes darted to Ryan a few times as she waited for a response. She nodded slightly when it was clear he wasn't going to say anything. "I know you've been avoiding me since I came home more than a month ago, and I've tried to respect that. God knows you've had enough promises broken and I didn't want to add to them. I'm going to try my best to earn your trust again, by deeds not words. But I want to say ..." Ryan moved forward shaking his head, but Kirsten's lips thinned and she shook her head more adamantly. "There are no words you could ever say that would make you unwelcome in our home. I'm sorry for saying differently with my vile words."

Ryan stopped in his tracks and sat back on a stool studying his hands too intently. "You don't have to do this," he said with a hoarse voice. "I'm the one that's screwed up. I can't thank you enough for everything you've done, given me. But no more stuff, please." He eyed the new stack of clothes with unease. She had been on a shopping spree since coming home.

"Ryan, we never expected a perfect kid, we never wanted a perfect kid. We have Seth after all," Kirsten said with a short laugh. "There's a fine line parents draw between protecting their children and not letting them live. To live fully is going to hurt sometimes. We learned late that we erred on the far side with Seth. You are hurting now, but I promise that you won't hurt so much once you learn to control your anger. We've found the best doctors to help you."

"I'm not going to any doctors; talking and more talking doesn't change anything."

"It stinks to be told you need help - I know all about that."

"Kirsten, you were right to worry about Seth hanging around me. Getting punched in a beach fight was just the beginning. Going to that party with Donnie where he shot Luke, a nightclub where shots were fired, … going to Trey's who had a gun. Who knows if Seth won't get unlucky next time?"

"I'm not happy about Seth being in danger, but I don't blame you for those things. I also don't want him lonely and sad, avoiding the world either. Like I said before, to live wholly is to hurt sometimes. Drowning in alcohol, or your way – shutting out the world, aren't the ways to go. They might block the pain for a while but they don't let the joy in either. Sandy and I are going to let you get used to the idea of therapy but it will happen," Kirsten said firmly.

Ryan didn't say anything aloud but reaffirmed a decision of his own.

* * *

Ryan lifted a hand to loosen his necktie but stopped because he refused to fidget. They fit, he didn't but he would not embarrass them. They were sitting at Kirsten's favorite restaurant, Le Gourmand. But there were no fat eaters in Orange County, only exercise fiends and the surgically assisted. Ryan had faked enthusiasm when she asked about his birthday dinner and so here they were. The Cohens laughed and joked, touched and kissed freely. It was obvious to anyone watching they enjoyed each other's company. They wore fine clothes comfortably, said clever things, and picked up the right forks without thinking.

He thought, and he was getting tired of thinking so much lately. He thought he had moved past this awkwardness only months after being taken in by the Cohens. There had been countless banquets and social functions since, but here he was back to the start doubting his every move again. He couldn't imagine being any more cautious than he was last year, he was the ultimate normal high school guy, and it still ended in tragedy. How could he be more diligent? He couldn't. Just sitting there they were asking him for things he couldn't give. They didn't mean to do it but they were making him feel like a priest, absolving them of their guilt. Why they thought he could offer absolution was beyond him. Did they simply choose to forget he recently tried his damnedest to violate the Sixth Commandment against his brother?

"Might I recommend a fine Oregon Syrah? It would compliment your poulet quite nicely I think," the waiter said. There was an awkward pause at the table before Kirsten answered. "No, sparkling water for me, thank you."

The food was served, and it was up to its usual incredible standards – it wouldn't dare to be anything less. 'Less thans' didn't stay in Newport for very long, Ryan thought.

The finished plates were taken away and a cake presented. Sandy drew up tall in his seat to begin his speech. "Ryan, you're not Jewish, more's the pity, but there are secular rites of passage that have to be acknowledged. Eighteen is a big milestone. You are legal: you can vote Democrat now, you can be called on to fight in a just war or nobly abstain from an unjust war, and in my day you could enjoy a pint of beer." Sandy smiled at his own wit. "Becoming a man is about becoming responsible for your own actions, not the macho bullshit you are bombarded with in the mass media."

Seth interrupted with a groan. "Please just blow out the candles, Ryan."

He blew out the candles as Sandy shot Seth a look of distain. Sandy continued, "I'm proud to know you, son. To see the progress you've made since I've met you, and I know you will be making -"

"Stop already, Dad. Here's my present." Seth slid a square box across the table. Ryan opened it to find a glass bowl full of goldfish. "You got me cracker treats?"

"I wanted a dog but Rosa must be one of those cat people," Seth said with a puckered face. "We can go to the pet shop tomorrow to replace them with the real thing."

"A goldfish?"

"Yeah, we'll get a copper colored one and name her Penny."

"You name her without even meeting?" Ryan asked as though he were impressed.

"Yeah, it's not quite right. The name needs a little bit more, Penny something – we'll think on it. But the point here is that studies have shown watching fish swim lowers your blood pressure. And pets ground you; you gotta change their water, come home to feed her every day. Umm, not that …"

Kirsten ignored Seth and handed Ryan a large, flat package that another waiter had been holding behind his back. "You guys said dinner out was your present," Ryan said unhappily.

"Sandy's picking up the bill. This is from me," Kirsten said.

Ryan opened the present slowly, slipping a finger under the tape so he wouldn't rip the fancy wrapping paper. "Your art portfolio?" Ryan placed a palm against the leather grain reverently. It was easily two by three feet with signs of heavy wear on the corners and handle of the black case.

"You need something to display your work professionally in college," she said with tears in her eyes.

Ryan's mouth ran dry, and he felt each beat of his heart thumping loudly in his chest. He swallowed hard and took a slow breath, trying to collect himself. "Wow, you're making this hard. I didn't think there were really people like you… I appreciate everything you've done but I'm eighteen now, and like you said legal… I hope you understand this is for the best because I've thought about this a lot. I'm a coward to say this in a restaurant, but if I don't say it now." He stopped and tried to take another deep breath.

"You haven't really said anything," Seth pointed out.

Ryan blurted, "I'm moving out. I found a job, an apartment in Chino."

A stunned silence followed. Then Sandy declared in a deep, certain rumble, "You are not going anywhere."

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks again to FredSmith for the awesome beta job! 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

Ryan rolled his shoulders and stood tall to stretch his back. He was a general 'helper' so his tasks varied greatly from day to day. Every time his muscles got used to one job he was onto the next. He never thought he'd work his way through Kristen's tall stack of white shirts, but they were already a little tight and if he kept this up much longer he'd grow out of them soon.

It was 10am, they had already been working for hours to get a jump on the unusually warm September temperatures. He debated lighting up but took a drink of water from his jug instead. Break would be over soon. He was hot and tired. Sometimes work sucked, and now was one of those times.

He watched a familiar car drive into the lot, kicking up dust. He had sprayed the temporary roadway down with water earlier, but the soil on this site was so fine any breeze or movement blew it up again. Kirsten got out of the car and slowly scanned across the lot. Ryan flattened out against a partially built wall to stay out of her view. When he peered around, Kirsten was walking carefully past construction debris toward the trailer with a blueprint tube in her hand.

Ryan would have loved to look over the blueprints. The foreman had given the crew an overview of the job. They were building a six storied office building for a national banking chain. Ryan had picked up more construction details from the different trades he worked with but a few things like the overbuilt wall in the center of the building didn't make sense to him. Why did the one wall need so much more support than the others? Ryan sighed and got back to building the scaffolding for the masons; blueprints were a long way off in his future, if they were there at all.

Leaving the Cohens had been hard. They had tried everything: cajoling and bribery, anger and threats, tears and guilt. He had done his best to explain but his words only brought on a new cascade of arguments. To stay firm, he had avoided their eyes, which held so much sadness and regret. If he had had to look at them much longer, he would have caved in and done anything to make them happy again. His only concession had been that he would stay in touch on his cell. It helped that he had planned ahead, an old Chevy Nova, a crappy studio apartment by the freeway in Chino and he was gone. He had never been happier to have last summer's construction job savings.

Two stories of scaffolding later, somebody hollered to him to report to the trailer. The guys stopped work, openly curious. He hadn't told anyone about his connection to the Cohens, but there were rumors. Word would definitely get around after today.

"Ryan," Kirsten said happily. She had walked so fast she met him halfway to the trailer. Juan, the foreman, accompanied her. Ryan had put off seeing any of the Cohens with vague talk of moving to Austin since he had moved out two month ago, but the threat didn't seem to be working anymore. Kirsten and Sandy, and even Seth had begun to call more frequently right before college classes started. They couldn't believe he would pass up the opportunity. To Ryan it proved how little they knew him.

"I'm real dirty," Ryan said backing up from her attempt at an embrace and glancing around to see who might be watching them. The masons were on the other side of the wall, but a few workers were purposely lingering nearby. It was hard enough being the new kid.

"Okay, but I've missed you so much it's killing me not to squeeze some sense into you to come home or go to Berkley with Seth," she said hopefully then adding, "Sorry-sorry, I promised I wouldn't push. How are you?"

They took each other in. Kirsten seemed healthier, and was still the consummate stylish professional in attractive tan slacks and a lacy top. Ryan was dripping with sweat, and his shirt and jeans were streaked with the red clay he had been digging up for footers earlier.

"I'm real good," Ryan answered ignoring her other comments. The Cohens were nothing if not persistent about letting him know he was still welcome. "Thanks again for helping me with this job. My own plans didn't pan out as well." Actually he had been bluffing a little. There was a job, but only a minimum wage job as a gas station clerk. Even with this better paying job the budget was tight, but his resolve to wean himself from the Cohens was still strong. It was for their own good, he reminded himself.

"You're welcome. We hate having you so far away but we'll always look out for you. Now you have to do me the favor of dinner next week Friday. Seth is back from college for the first time. He'd love to see you. We all would." Ryan jerked his head ambiguously. He should have cut off all ties to make it easier on everybody. If he had any balls, he'd be in Austin for real this time. But his phone number contact in Austin was disconnected, and a construction job for a guy with only one legitimate summer of experience was hard to come by. Also, and he hated to admit this even to himself, the idea that someone would notice if he fell off the face of the earth was nice.

"I dunno, concrete is being laid next week so that means late nights," he murmured, "but next time he comes back, I promise," Ryan said looking into the distance. These excuses came off easier over the phone.

Juan who had been pretending to not be listening now interjected, "I'll see you get time off, Atwood. Just let me know what day, Mrs. Cohen." Ryan checked his frown; he couldn't afford to piss off the foreman.

Kirsten beamed and leaned in to whisper conspiratorially but her hardhat bumped Ryan's forehead. "I was going to say it's nice to be boss, but now I'm going to ask shouldn't you be wearing a hardhat, Ryan?"

"I am," Ryan sputtered, "or I was, but I laid it down when I headed over to the trailer."

"Mrs. Cohen we haven't had an accident or a violation on this job yet. I'll see it gets glued to his head." Juan glared at Ryan. Then he whistled shrilly to get the attention of the nearby men, knocked on his own helmet, and pointed at Ryan's head.

Flaco, a carpenter's helper who had worked with Ryan many times, ambled over and handed Ryan a hardhat with "Chino" painted on the back. They all had nicknames. "We'll take good care of su hijo," he said to Kirsten slyly.

Ryan glowered as Flaco left with a wide grin. "Friday, Ryan?" Kirsten asked bring his attention back to her.

"My car's acting up," Ryan began lamely.

"More motherly visits could be fit into my schedule, mi hijo," Kirsten said studying his face with concern. She pulled a handkerchief out and tried to wipe an imagined smudge off his cheek. With horror he pulled away to an outburst of laughter from his co-workers.

He flushed deeply and mumbled, "I'll try my best."

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The aforementioned Friday a week later, Ryan thought he was off the hook. His car was really in the shop, and he had already called to tell Sandy so. Sandy had been disappointed, and had taken the opportunity to repeat his one theme that he had boiled down to _let us back in, kid_. He ended most calls on that note.

But when Ryan clocked off and left the trailer he saw Seth in the SUV pulling into a parking spot. Seth got out and looked over the scene like a baby chick just out of its shell. It was late and the site deserted, only Ryan had stayed late to help Juan who was still in the trailer. There was not much to see but Seth's eagerness was unabashed; he was heading toward the partially built bank. Ryan didn't know why exactly but Seth's childish curiosity pissed him off. Didn't he realize the world was dangerous, that he had to be careful of the deep ditch just dug for the utility lines? Ryan couldn't always be around. Ryan sighed in annoyance.

Seth walked back to him and blinked a few times. "I thought I missed you and was just going to take a look around. Well, your posse of one has arrived. The folks want me to ferry you home for dinner. No strings attached, just free food." Seth's nonchalance belied his hopefulness and for a moment Ryan wanted to give in.

He steeled himself instead and shook his head no. "Don't college boys have anything better to read?" Ryan asked nodding at the comics and textbooks sitting in the back seat of the car.

"It's still me, Ryan, after a life of booze, crazy honeys… you could visit me on campus if you want. Meet my crew… well, if there was one."

Ryan remained stoic. It might start off innocently enough but the next thing he knew he'd be taking Seth to a frat party and somehow or other someone would get hurt. Hell, tea and crumpets would turn into a shoot out.

"You're gonna have to knock off this act sooner or later. We're not giving up. Mom and Dad worry about you all the time. I know they call you every week."

"How do you know?"

"They call me every week."

"Big college guy? Crazy honeys, huh?" Ryan asked with scorn. If he could only get Seth to not look up at him with such eager eyes…

"Yeah, well, I toss them a bone for paying the rent on time. Look, Berkley is big. I know you were accepted, too, and you'd love it. You can find whatever you want there. It might be full of water polo playing goons, too, but we have plenty of space in the sandbox to all play nice. There are really cool people. We talk all night about Taoist philosophy, whether Donald Duck is a capitalist propaganda tool, where the sweetest honeys hang, and oh, oh, the level of graphic novel expertise is out of this world… Ryan, this," Seth said opening his arms to the surroundings, "was a great blue collar experiment but I miss you, dude. Tell me what to do to make it right."

Ryan only tensed and his eyes hardened. "College is philosophy, babes in mini-skirts, and harmless nerds because I'm not there. Don't you get it? If I were there it would be all about O.D.ing on pills, gunshots fired, and fistfights to the death."

"That again? It's not you, dude. You can't get me hurt; I'm The Ironist."

Ryan frowned doubtfully at Seth's assertion and said, "I can't go back to your house; my car is shot."

"Our house, buddy," Seth corrected, "I'll bring you back." Seth's eyebrows furrowed, pleading.

It was tempting but Ryan believed what he had said about people around him getting hurt. He had to make Seth turn away from him. Ryan grimaced and turned his back on Seth, walking away without a word. Seth jumped on Ryan's back in a clumsy attack. Startled Ryan stumbled forward a few steps with Seth pounding his back. Ryan twisted to throw Seth off in a fluid, easy motion.

Seth fell to the ground, but jumped back up, fists drawn, and tried to punch Ryan with a quick jab in the face.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ryan yelled as he dodged safely aside.

"I'm proving you would never hurt me no matter what."

Stunned, Ryan didn't move as Seth hit him in the mouth. Seth stared as Ryan wiped blood off a lip with the back of his hand. Ryan's eyes, which never left Seth's face, turned cold.

Seth took a small step back and spoke in a fast wavering voice, "I'm sorry I had to do that, man. You'd never hurt me or any of us, can you see that now?"

"You get a free one. Tell Sandy and Kirsten I'm sorry."

Seth replied with another fist aimed at Ryan's middle. Ryan took a step back and it landed with a harmless force. He pulled Seth closer, yanking him by his shirt collar. "Is this what you meant to do?" Ryan punched Seth twice in the stomach. "Throw some body weight into it next time," Ryan said harshly. Seth gasped and clutched his middle, falling onto the red clay.

"I'm not playing, Seth." Ryan pressed a knee against Seth's chest until Seth winced and nodded. Ryan walked away without a backward glance.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Author's Note: Thanks to the great beta-que-tionist, FredSmith, for grammar and plot line pointers.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Ryan sat on his lone piece of comfortable furniture, his bed, and flipped through the few broadcast stations that his TV antennae picked up. He stopped at a repeat 'Valley' episode, and watched Jake Needleman and his friends ruminate on whether they could remain close after going to colleges all over the country. Instead of distracting him from serious thought, it made him feel sad, he remembered empathizing with the characters the first time he had watched the episode. Their problems seemed so petty now… and so desirable. He changed channels quickly; he would not think about how he had blown the best thing that had happened to him, and more importantly hurt the people who had given it to him.

There were immediate things to worry about. He'd done the math ten times over and he knew he was barely squeaking by. There were always more bills to pay, and his savings oscillated between pitiful and empty depending on which bills had come in, and how the car was running. With a discouraged growl, Ryan turned off the TV and got off the bed. He had to get out and prove his life was more than work and Valley reruns.

A bus ride later, Ryan found himself nursing a 7&7 at an old neighborhood bar. The beauty of a dumpy bar, besides cheap drinks, was they never carded. He tried to keep it light and enjoy his mild buzz but blocked issues seeped in. They blurred as he forced them away for the moment, or mixed into his fantasies. What happened with Seth was inexcusable, stupid. His apology said into Seth's cell phone's message recorder even lamer. He couldn't do anything right; he was hurting them as he tried to protect them. He was either a near danger or a distant jerk. To think, he could be enjoying freshman year with Seth, his biggest worry failing a test…

"Need anything?" the pretty redheaded waitress asked.

"Principles of architecture, art history, building mechanics, and maybe an intro to poetry. I'm economical with words."

She smiled slightly puzzled. "Just let me know when you want a refill, Shakespeare," she called before going onto the next customer. It was a crowded night.

Ryan imagined getting ready for a critique the next day, starting over on a central drawing, arguing with classmates on whether Frank Lloyd Wright had had any impact on European architecture. He had a smile on his face when somebody pushed against his back. He looked up ready for an apology or to stand his ground and found Arturo, Theresa's brother, looking back at him.

They stared at each other, uncertainly.

"Yo, you don't belong here no more," Arturo said with boiling hostility. Ryan turned his back and tried to ignore him. So that was how it was going to be.

Arturo only spoke louder and more angrily. "I hear what you did to Trey. He's still eating through a needle! Fucked him over to keep the good life for yourself, huh? And my baby sister, too. My family treated you like blood, man, … get the fuck out of here." His voice carried above the din.

Arturo's two companions who had been playing pool on the other side of the bar, paid close attention now. The men walked over, one glassy-eyed drinking a beer and the other with a pool cue in hand.

"This the bitch who left your sister with a baby to go live rich in the OC?" the man with the drink asked, staring at Ryan.

"Pendejo," Arturo sneered at Ryan. "We don't need his kinda shit. Vamanos," he said walking away pushing the taller man, "c'mon Javier."

Ryan felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up. "What? Baby?"

Arturo paused and stared at Ryan for a long moment. He came back to Ryan and stuck a finger in his chest. "I honor her wishes, but don't you come here if you know what's good for you."

Javier broke in again, "Theresa and her mother died in Atlanta. Your baby was with her cousin. Arturo has been taking care of Louisa, man."

"Dead? They died? My baby," Ryan repeated hollowly.

"Silencio, shut up," barked Arturo at Javier. He turned back to Ryan, "Maybe your baby, but no matter what she got nothing to do with you. You didn't want her or my sister, now we don't want youShe's a Sanchez."

His head pounded as he tried to understand what they had just said. "Theresa didn't lose the baby? She's dead?"

"Don't bullshit me, Atwood." Arturo got within inches of Ryan's face and stared hard. He pushed Ryan in the chest, knocking Ryan against the guy sitting next to him. Ryan mumbled an apology to the scowling man. The bartender bellowed, "Take it outside, and I better not have to call the cops," and he motioned to the bouncer. A large man nodded his understanding and only had to glare at them to get them to leave.

The night felt cool after the stale bar air. Ryan cracked his neck and shrugged his shoulders to ready himself. "We don't have to do this, 'Turo. I didn't know about Theresa, your mom. If the baby's mine, I'll do the right thing."

Arturo with his friends backing him up from behind, faced Ryan with a cold stare.

"Theresa said she lost the baby or I'd never leave her. You know me, man," Ryan pleaded with earnest sincerity.

Arturo continued to study Ryan without blinking for long moments. "Turo? Que pasa?" Javier tried prompting his friend, "he's gonna bone out, no doubt."

"Theresa's dead. Y mi Mama. You never came to pay them respects." Arturo's voice broke, as much hurt as angry. He slowly crumpled, his tensed, red face slackened and his eyes softened with tears. "They were beautiful," he said quietly, "mi vida." Arturo grabbed Ryan in a hard embrace.

Ryan held on just as tightly to Arturo. His mind was reeling with what Arturo had said. Theresa was dead… he'd never again see that smile that made his heart race, be teased by her into a real laugh, hear hard truths only she could know to say. And Mrs. Sanchez, tired from overwork and full of her own family troubles, had taken the time to notice him, offer an encouraging word and a good meal. Their loss was as hard to grasp as the idea that he was a father. He and Theresa had imagined the joy they would feel when the baby was born, but he mostly felt fear now. How could he give a child what every child deserved, love and security, when he could barely keep himself together?

They broke apart and Arturo said, "We're getting out of here." The other men had relaxed and were huddled together a short distance away. Arturo held up his hand, gesturing his good byes.

Ryan followed him to a car. They drove for a few minutes before Arturo started explaining what had happened. When Ryan left, Theresa had made Arturo promise not to track him down. The baby had been born in Atlanta. A car accident had killed Theresa and her mother instantly when Mrs. Sanchez was visiting a month ago. Arturo had brought the baby back to Chino quickly right after the funeral because he was worried Child Services would stick their noses into their business. His girlfriend had been helping him take care of Louisa since he got home.

They pulled up to the Sanchez house, the same neat yard and painted stoop that it had always been. Arturo paused at the door before turning the key. "Louisa's all I got now. Angie and me we've got some problems but we're her family. You can visit if **I** think it's good, but you're not taking her from me. "

The baby was crying and squirming in a young woman's lap when they entered. "Arturo, where have you been?" she demanded to know. She looked exasperated from caring for the fussing baby.

"This is Ryan, Angie," he said in explanation.

Angie's expression soured but the baby turned and stared curiously at the newcomer. Her crying slowed to a hiccupping stop. As soon as Ryan laid eyes on Louisa he felt whole. Ryan knew he was her father. She was less than a year old if Ryan knew anything about babies. Maybe her hair was darker than Ryan's but it was lighter than Theresa's, and it sat in springy curls over her head. The light brown eyes were large and unblinking. But it was the nose that was most familiar, the slightest cleft at the tip.

Ryan's face drained and he had trouble keeping his eyes clear from tears. He knelt down by his baby, pulling her close.

* * *

Author's note: Muchas gracias a FredSmith. Apologies to Senor Ruck, my 9th grade Spanish teacher, for butchering the language. And further apologies to humanity for trying to sound street. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

Arturo pulled out some beers and they sat at the kitchen table. As kids they had shared sodas at the same table, along with Theresa or Trey. The missing siblings were why they knew each other, but after so many years Ryan and Arturo knew each other as well as they knew their friends. As they reminisced late into the night it dawned on Ryan how real it was. Theresa and her mother were gone, and he was a father. Ryan and Arturo alternately cursed at the unfairness of the deaths and smiled when remembering Theresa's fierce stubbornness and her incredible beauty, Mrs. Sanchez's loving patience.

Ryan explained haltingly, with the barest of facts, what had happened with Trey. Arturo shook his head ruefully, "Trey's messed up, maybe it was doing time 'cause he's never gone that far. My best friend, but crazy and nothing but trouble for you."

They agreed Louisa was their priority, but they went around and around about their roles in her life. In the end Arturo allowed there was room for Ryan in Louisa's life but Arturo was her uncle, someone she knew, and the person Theresa would want her to be with. Ryan allowed there was room for Arturo in Louisa's life but he was her father. Arturo admitted money was tight and he could use some help, but he made it clear he was the one in charge. They settled on starting slowly, letting Louisa get to know her father, and putting off the larger questions. Ryan would visit the next day when neither of them needed to work.

* * *

Arturo look frazzled running around the house collecting his things. "I didn't think I'd say this but I'm glad you're here, man. Louisa is usually an easy baby, but she doesn't care that I didn't sleep – she wanted a bottle at six and hasn't slowed down since. I'm beat." 

"Wait, 'Turo, I can't do this," Ryan said in a panic, "I only got through three chapters." Ryan had checked out all the baby care books at the library that morning and crammed before coming to the Sanchez house. He ventured a look at the baby, his baby, seated in the high chair. Ryan broke out in a sweat. This was too real; he was responsible for this little, fragile, life. The fragile life pounded a fist into a puddle of orange food-like pulp and giggled as it splattered across the tray.

Arturo's boss had called to say there was an emergency and he was needed. "Damn, I want to be here with you and Louisa the first time but I can't lose this job." Arturo grabbed a work shirt with his name and the company's name logo, Speedy Gonzalez Delivery Service, stitched onto it.

Arturo slowed down to pat Louisa on the head, managing to find a spot not covered in food. "Diapers under the sink, milk already made in the fridge but make sure you warm it. She usually goes down for a nap at three," he said dodging Louisa's spoon. She hummed happily despite her miss.

Ryan's mind raced, a three minute nap, milk under the fridge… Arturo punched him in the shoulder playfully to jog him out of this stupor. Laughing he said, "Hey she's only ten months old, how hard can it be? I'll be back in 5 hours, it's only a half shift." It was noon.

"Angie?" Ryan asked in desperation.

"She's been bitching since I got back from Atlanta. After you left last night we went at it again, then she took off. One more thing- Louisa's kinda clingy, won't go in the playpen if you don't stay in the room. She misses her mom, bad at first, and I even had to let her sleep in our bed but she's getting better. My number's on the refrigerator door." The door slammed before Ryan could think of what to ask.

Ryan heard the roar of a car start up and race down the street. He fell down onto the chair in front of Louisa. He darted nervous glances at her. This was their first time alone together. Fascinated, he began to stare, studying her every shape, and expression, looking for more evidence of Theresa and himself in her. His heart beat loudly and his cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. He sat, marveled by her, until she seemed to grow scared of his scrutiny, silence or both and her face scrunched up in distress.

"Tee,Tee,Tee," she begged, crying loudly. She seemed to be looking around for Arturo.

It was mostly a blur from her first wailing screams. He picked her up gingerly under the arms, and raised her to face level. Her eyes were squeezed tight now, and she only stopped crying when her body gasped for a new breath of air. Ryan bit his lip considering his next step. "No, no, no," he begged jiggling her from side to side. At his voice she paused and blinked at him mournfully. She considered him, frowned and began again with a low whining sound. He held her close and bounced her in his arms.

Feeling silly at first he learned to babble. "Ba-ba-ba, la-la-la," he sang in synch with his bounces competing with her cries, "O-kay, we're gon-na be-be fi-ne, gon-na-na stop-stop-stop cry-ing-ing."

As she calmed, Ryan found a voice; she didn't seem to care what he said. "You are just like your mama, when she was mad I knew it. Everything she did, she did full force. When I met your mama she wasn't happy either. We just moved to Chino from Fresno and it was my first day in the fourth grade. We were playing soccer and my team beat hers. I … your daddy." Ryan stopped pacing long enough to enjoy those words and to admire her over again. "Your daddy," he continued, "scored the wining goal. Really, you can ask your Uncle 'Turo, he'll back me on it. I could tell she wanted to slug me, but instead she chose me for her team the next day. She was like that, never hurt a fly but got what she wanted. What else… I've got so many more stories for you. She never laughed at my old hand me downs and strange lunches. I could always talk to her, she could smell my bull- I mean, I couldn't lie to her either. She saw right through me."

Louisa got bored with Ryan's soliloquy. She tugged his tee shirt and he let her down onto the floor. She crawled to a red plastic cube, probably a part of a toy, and chewed on it. Ryan looked down at his food smeared, stretched shirt, and sighed with relief. He could do this, he thought, and sank onto the floor with her.

She put down the cube after awhile and looked at him expectantly. Flummoxed Ryan looked around for something else to entertain her with. There was a small pile of toys near the sofa. He chose a stuffed bear. "Louie, I'm gonna get ya. Grrrr," he threatened and rubbed her leg with the bear.

"Rrrr," she repeated gleefully and made a grab for the bear.

He had never paid babies much attention before, but he knew this baby was brilliant. Ryan fell more deeply in love, her every sound, her every gesture a wonder. Using toy after toy from the stack he made up games, encouraging her to mimic him. She seemed so fickle, obsessing on a rattle but getting upset when he ran a plastic truck down her arm, that he worried he would misread her and send her into another crying fit. Exhausted, he realized he had been there for less than an hour.

When the toys ran out, he carried her to his car to get the library books he had checked out earlier. Snuggled securely in his lap on the front stoop they read the picture bookstogether. Louie loved a flap book about the circus best. The moving parts held her attention, and Ryan realized she liked reading the same one over and over. She was completely entranced with a mirrored page, calling out, "Bababa!"

"Yeah, baby, Louie," encouraged Ryan. He was getting the hang of this.

Later they wandered aimlessly around the neighborhood, Louisa enjoying the long ride in her stroller. Ryan felt very smart for remembering to pack diapers, and some treats. They survived two tantrums, and preemptively avoided one more. Ryan could tell by her droopy eyes she was getting tired, and quickly headed back to her house. She was asleep by the time Ryan got home, and she frowned unhappily when he jostled her getting her out of the stroller.

He carried her to a crib he found in Arturo's room. Laying her down, she woke up and sat up angrily. She began screaming, streams of tears pouring down her cheeks. Her palms reached out, trying to clap together in a new gesture Ryan couldn't decipher. So he picked her up and bounced her again. She still cried but didn't scream so loudly. He walked her around the house like that. When he got to the kitchen she lurched for the refrigerator and began clapping her hands together again.

He opened the refrigerator's door and when Louisa saw the bottled milk she kicked her feet excitedly. It was hard to get the milk warmed and keep her feet still at the same time, but he managed to set the bottle in the microwave. Checking every fifteen seconds to see if it was warm enough got Louisa all excited and mad when he put the bottle back in the microwave to heat more. After a few tries, it still seemed cool to him but that seemed better than too hot. He shook it up, and gave it to Louisa. She had no trouble knowing what to do with it. She wiggled around in Ryan's arms until he had her cradled the way she wanted. She fell asleep that way.

When Arturo came home later than expected, Louisa was still asleep in Ryan's arms. Ryan had been waiting for someone to share his newly founded revelation. He looked up and whispered, "I think she loves me, man."

"Great, I gotta get some sleep."

"Did you hear me?" Ryan laughed quietly, flushed with joy.

"Yeah, you're lovable. Don't wake her, I haven't sleep in days."

* * *

Author's Note: I completely stole ideas and lifted exact words from my great beta, FredSmith. Thanks, FS!  



	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 

By week's end it was clear Angie was gone for good, and Ryan needed to move in. He exchanged his near Spartan studio apartment for the baby-cluttered Sanchez house. They worked out a makeshift schedule. Ryan went to work before daybreak, and Arturo watched her until one when he went to work. Then Mrs. Brown, an older woman who lived down the street, came to babysit with her three year old grandson in tow. The Browns stayed until four in the afternoon when Ryan got home from work. Ryan and Arturo never exactly agreed on who should take care of her when she cried at night, it usually ended up being a test of who was the heavier sleeper.

Ryan's confidence grew by bits. He learned to feed, bathe, and diaper his baby. He still looked at her with wonder, but mostly when she was sleeping now. Her utter relaxation, slackened face breathing soft 'ohs', held him enraptured. Awake, she demanded more practical attention. He read to her until she squirmed away, played silly games with her, and rocked her until she fell asleep. He learned her particulars: she liked to watch for the mail truck but was scared of the garbage truck, she wouldn't sleep without her favorite blanket but her bear was negotiable, and she could be bribed with smashed bananas but sniffed at apple sauce. Most importantly, Louie trained him to tread carefully when her eyebrows drew close.

So Ryan was figuring it out but he always seemed to be in a mildly frantic state. Arturo wasn't sympathetic; he laughed at Ryan's stack of books and pointed at a smiling Louie as if that was evidence enough they were doing a good job with her. But there was always something new to learn and Ryan was worried that he was missing something bigger. She developed a habit of screaming and wrapping him around the legs when she wanted to be carried, and he usually gave in. Was this a phase? Because he didn't really mind picking her up but was he setting an irreparable habit? She hadn't done this before he moved in. And one day she liked spinach, the next she refused to even look at it or much of anything else. Was she eating enough of the right foods? After each incident he would redouble his study, reading the baby care books, taking careful notes and flagging pages late into the night.

In less than three weeks of fatherhood his credit card bill grew rapidly. There were the usual expenses and then there were the extras. He couldn't resist when she looked at him with wide eyes brimming with tears as she clutched a new stuffed animal in the toy store. He signed up for the childcare classes the community center offered, and hired a sitter so he could go. But those charges were a bet on the future, a relatively large bill that he didn't mind.

He took each topic: Understanding Your Role as a Parent, Developing Trust within the Family, Communicating within the Family, Building Self-Esteem within the Family, Understanding Parenting and Power, as seriously as he would have taken college classes. The child behavior classes fascinated him, some topics hitting too close to the Atwood home. If creating a safe and secure home ensured open loving children what did his childhood create in him? In the safe, dispassionate classroom he learned the roles they each had played in the gruesome Atwood family show. But he purposely concentrated on the future. Louisa would only benefit from his shaky start, he swore.

It was reassuring to hear that the mothers in the class had similar frustrations, and that a crying baby was not a sign of failure. Using techniques from class, he learned to comfort her in her playpen, play peek-a-boo with her so she would get used to the idea he would always come back. He gradually backed away from the playpen for growing minutes at a time. He also began to set limits, not giving in to her tantrums and encouraging her to communicate with hand gestures or words. And there were practical ideas on how to handle stress, too, seeing the signs, knowing when to walk away or when to ask for help.

The problems with the guys at the construction site, and frustrations about his job's limitations seemed trivial now. He laughed with the other men when they teased him, even fascinating them with his stories of living large in Newport. He had a new priority, and while the old worries were still present they receded.

Tired after day of construction, Ryan came home to a Louie that wouldn't stop fussing. On top of that he didn't have time to shower; Mrs. Brown explained she was sorry but couldn't stay late today. Ryan quickly changed his clothes and tried all his tricks- favorite foods, games, books, but nothing seemed to work. Her screaming grew louder and louder. The vein on his forehead throbbed, and the drywall grit felt like it was baked into his skin and itching him all over. He pleaded and pleaded with Louie until he realized he was shouting at her. He took a deep breath and plopped her unceremoniously into the playpen. Without turning around to watch her reaction, he went outside and paced in the front yard. He wasn't so sure he could do this, he thought. Louie's screams could still be heard through the open window. He lit up and power sucked a cigarette and started another. He knew he would never lift a finger to her, but he wasn't sure he could handle the everyday pressures without going crazy.

He smoked the cigarette to the smallest butt and went back inside. She was whimpering but she glanced at him for moment. Then she stuck her lower lip out, and turned her head away from him. Ryan smiled wryly; a pout wasn't fatal. He murmured a soft apology, picked her up, and planted his face into her tummy. He blew raspberries until she giggled. She seemed to catch herself, and glared at him before relaxing her stiff back to allow him to hug her. He smiled to himself, definitely a chip off the old block. Or was he imagining it? Could babies her age really hold a grudge? He would look it up later.

He felt her forehead; it was a little warm. He put his finger in her mouth to softly press against her gums. Another tooth felt like it was coming in. He coaxed her into letting him put some gel on her gums, and gave her a cold teething ring. Then he popped in her favorite Teletubby video and they sat on the couch together. He luxuriated in her momentary stillness, but was still dead tired. He had loads of laundry to do, a car that needed work, a banking statement that needed to be laughed at, ... the list could run on and on. He rubbed his face; he didn't see a way out.

He lit up again, blowing the smoke out of a cracked window. He had heard all the lectures about second hand smoke but knew it was the lesser of many evils - such has his head exploding. His phone rang. He laid a reassuring hand on Louie's back, and leaned over her to pick up his cell. He saw that the number was Seth's.

"Ryan?" The background on Seth's cell phone was loud with cars gunning and brakes screeching.

"Did you get my message?" Ryan asked. He had left an apology days earlier.

There was a long pause. The background noise was muted. "Yeah, you, me, we're all sorry… we okay now?" Seth said sounding hopeful.

"I guess you're busy studying," Ryan stalled.

"Oh, yeah, just another wild Friday night. A few frat parties I'm not invited to, Summer not visiting this weekend, and an overworked essay that shouldn't be reworded. Come on down, I got Grand Theft going…," Seth said.

Ryan smiled; the old familiar Seth had been missed. Without meaning to, he sighed audibly.

"Ryan, if you're sorry and I know I'm sorry then, we can fix things."

Ryan exhaled softly again. "It's just that things are kinda crazy here."

"Either you're sorry or you're not," Seth said with a subtle challenge.

"It's not that easy. I have some news, really good news b-but I need your help. Can you over tomorrow?" Ryan's voice cracked with uncertainty.

"You said good news?" Seth sounded just as uncertain now.

Ryan described his last two hectic weeks.

"I'm Chino bound, dude," Seth said seriously, belying his light words.

"I'll see you." Ryan gave him the address and hung up the phone. It felt good to be on the road back to Seth but talking to him he could hear the fear and sadness in Seth's voice, as if Ryan's life was over. Ryan put out his cigarette and looked over at Louie, sprawled on the couch. Things might never be the same, but they would be better. Maybe Louie and he should walk over to the grocery store for some ice creams. Tomorrow was soon enough for the long list of responsibilities.

* * *

Seth pulled up to the house late the next morning.

"So you're good? 'Cause she cries with strangers and is picky about how she likes to play with certain toys."

"Ryan, I can handle it and you are twenty nine and a half steps away if I can't. Don't worry, I have my babysitting certificate."

Ryan raised his eyebrows

"I needed it for sailing lessons," Seth explained. He was already on the carpet handing Louie a present.

"Okay then, I'll get started on my stuff… we'll talk later." Seth waved him away.

Ryan had felt better the minute Seth arrived. He had walked out of the house with Louisa in his arms to greet Seth. The last time they had met was about three weeks ago at the construction site when Ryan decked Seth. They exchanged some forgettable niceties but Seth's smile and hearty clasp where enough to tell Ryan they were good.

He spied on Seth a few times, between chores. "I'm almost done with the tune up. The laundry is on the line, and I just have to…" Ryan trailed off as Seth interrupted.

"Hey, watch this." Louisa held onto Seth's fingers above her head and took a step. She looked at Ryan and smiled at her own feat. "One small step for a baby," Seth said and swung her forward, "one giant leap for baby-kind." Louisa laughed and pushed Seth's legs to 'do it again'.

Ryan's chest swelled with pride. She was great.

Seth swung her as he continued to talk, "Here a little 411. It's a little acknowledged fact but Neil Armstrong messed up." Ryan waited impassively. "He should have said 'One small step for **a** man, one giant leap for mankind. Literally it was just him taking a stroll on the moon, but there's not much difference between the words 'man' and 'mankind'. To emphasize his singularity should have inserted an 'a'."

Ryan only shook his head with a smile, and turned away. He went back to his 1989 Ford Escort's tune up.

Later that afternoon, he pulled out some beers for Seth and himself.

"Thanks for coming, Seth. I owe you."

"You did well, man." Seth looked down at Louisa on the carpeted living room. She was sleeping soundly where she had tired out in the middle of playing. "She beats a goldfish, but same idea."

Ryan only smiled again, and Seth ran on. "Ryan, thanks for trusting me, telling me."

Ryan nodded.

"Don't go thermonuclear, but I think you should tell Mom and Dad. They're there to back us up, that's their job. You are doing an amazing job with Arturo, but they'd be hurt not to help."

Ryan nodded, but noncommittal. For now he wanted to enjoy Seth's babble, Louie's quiet, and a cold drink.

* * *

The next week Ryan was enjoying a rare quiet night. Louie had gone to bed without a problem, and aside from a sticky spill that required localized floor mopping, there were no urgent chores that needed to be done. He was reading a history of architecture book he picked up the last time he went to the library when Arturo came home.

"What's with you?" Ryan asked immediately. Arturo's face was ashen and his eyes were bloodshot.

"Nothing," Arturo bit off acerbically, "Some people don't go around with a shit-faced grin all the time."

Ryan tried to laugh him out of his mood. "Can't help it. She calls me 'Papa' now," he said.

Arturo snorted. "She's called me 'T' for months."

Ryan's grin persisted. "It's all good, 'Turo. She played nicely in her playpen when I made dinner tonight. Spagetti if you want."

Arturo dropped into a seat across from Ryan and changed the topic. "What are you drinking, man?"

Ryan looked at his tall glass. "Mountain Dew."

"The fuck?"

Ryan shrugged indifferently. "Seth left a case."

"I don't want - that kid - giving Louisa all that fancy stuff. What she got already is fine," Arturo spoke haltingly, his face set in anger.

Ryan set his glass down. "Arturo, what the hell are you talking about? It's a lousy purple horse. You opposed to anatomically incorrect equine representations? Que paso?"

"Don't speak Spanish, ese. It pains me," Arturo said with a snort.

"I got Spanish tapes from the library. I want her to be fluent."

Arturo ignored him and looked away. "I got news." Ryan waited patiently, holding his breath. He knew something was up.

"I just want the best for Louisa, stuff we didn't get. Nobody will ever hurt her, look down on her," Arturo said fiercely.

Ryan's stomach sank, the bad feeling was only getting worse but he was still not sure where this was going. "Yeah, I know."

"Well, I got a raise." Ryan didn't comment, waited for more. "I'm getting transferred from night shifts to long-hauls. I might be away for days at a time."

"We'll work something out."

"No. I gotta be here for her."

"This is a chance up, something you wanted. Take it. It's real money for once." Ryan said the words but he was also realistic. It would be a big drain on their budget and he was worried about handling her by himself for that long. Arturo's extended family meant well but they had their own problems, and lived too far away to help with daycare. "I don't know how but we will work it out. I'll get a loan, maybe we can rent out the third bedroom… to someone who can help with Louie."

"Louisa," Arturo corrected absently. He stood up and went to the kitchen. Coming back with a Corona in his hand, he scratched his jaw, and stepped around the armchair. He looked sorrowfully at Ryan. "There's something else… Angie is getting back at me. She called Child Services on us."

An icy, cold chill ran up Ryan's spine. Nobody was going to get between he and Louisa. Without thinking he reached for his cell and hit the first number in its phonebook, the Cohen's. "I need your help," Ryan said.

* * *

Thanks again to Fred Smith for beta-ing! 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Ryan shifted the diaper bag hanging from his shoulder and held Louisa on his hip, pausing for a few moments before approaching the Cohen house. He had lived only two of his eighteen years here, but they had been the first hopeful ones. He had never forgotten to be grateful, even through the recent estrangement. They had taken him in, an almost fully-grown man, damaged and troubled, and made him a part of the family.

They all had some work to do to repair their relationship, but the Cohens had never stopped reaching out to him and he was ready to meet them halfway. His priority was Louisa now, and he needed their help for her. Also, he missed them.

The door opened without his knocking. Kirsten ran to them squealing in an uncharacteristically girlish manner that made Ryan smile. Kirsten eagerly tried to take Louisa from Ryan, but Louisa would have none of the stranger and buried her face into Ryan's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, it's been a while since I've been around little ones. She's a beauty," Kristen said more calmly. She kissed Ryan on the cheek and led them inside.

In the kitchen Sandy hurried over to meet them with a platter of food in one hand. "I was in a delicate egg moment, you understand," Sandy said clapping Ryan on the shoulder and then placing a hand on Louisa's arm. "By God, so this is Louisa. I'm Gramps now," he said in wonder to know one in particular.

Ryan smiled proudly. He had been nervous driving back to the Cohen house. He had even made it a point to dress in nice slacks and a polo shirt and put Louisa's best dress on her. It was silly perhaps, but he wanted to make a good impression, to show Kirsten and Sandy how well he and Louisa were doing. With their sincere welcome, he felt like a huge weight had been lifted. "Thanks, I really appreciate you guys helping me get this straightened out."

"You did the right thing coming to us. We'll work it out, son. But first breakfast then we fawn over Louisa."

They herded themselves onto the back patio and settled around the table, plating dishes of eggs, bacon and toast. Louisa sat timidly in Ryan's lap, occasionally venturing wide-eyed glances at the new people and new surroundings.

"Ryan, I'll win her over before you leave and I'm not above a bribe," Kirsten said and pushed a package tied up in a pink bow toward the little girl. Since Louisa only blinked at it, Ryan opened it as she looked on curiously. It was a pair of bright yellow booties with noisy bells sewn onto the tips.

Ryan put them on her, and shook each foot in turn. She smiled at the jangle it made before ducking her head back into Ryan's chest shyly. "Thanks," Ryan said to Kirsten.

"She'll be in Manolo's soon enough," Kirsten said, "but for now I'm so happy to get a chance to shop for a sweet little girl."

But Ryan grinned widely. "She is incredible. And to think I didn't think I'd ever have any kids. It's all still so new to me."

"What do you mean - no children?" Kirsten asked, "You're young, but I always knew you'd be a good father. We were there to help you and Theresa and we're here to help you now," Kirsten said and Sandy nodded in agreement.

"I was worried… that my genes were messed up or something." Ryan looked away uncertainly when he spoke.

"Ryan!" Kirsten gasped. And Sandy added forcefully, "She's lucky to have you."

"Yeah, stupid I know, but with my family's history… I thought I was so messed up no good could come of me or should be near me. That's what I was thinking, part of why I moved out. But I want to tell you guys I see things differently now that I have Louisa." Ryan flushed, feeling too exposed they way they stared at him. He paused but forced himself to continue.

"What I do with Louie affects how she acts. I see it every day. It's scary how simple and yet impossibly hard this whole parenting thing is. I'm not making any sense but I want to start things fresh between us. No more trying to be who I think everyone wants me to be. It takes too much energy and I already have more important work," Ryan said gesturing tenderly at Louisa. "I'm taking a child development class… I'm still learning… I had a screwed up childhood, but that's not gong to mess us up from now on."

"I'm glad you know better about yourself now. Yes, let's start fresh," Kirsten said and leaned over to put a reassuring hand over his. Louisa fingered her diamond ring, and absently allowed herself to be pulled into Kirsten's lap for a better look. Kirsten beamed but kept quiet and Louisa didn't startle.

"I'm confident my charm alone will win her over," Sandy said wiggling his eyebrows up and down at a puzzled Louisa. "But how old was Seth when he began to appreciate the bagel?" Kirsten and Ryan smiled tolerantly.

"Seth's been great, bugging me to call, and telling me what a dummy I've been with you guys." Ryan smiled as he spoke. "Louie loves him, too. Finally another kid for her to play with."

Kirsten nodded knowingly. "That's my son. We owe him and Louisa if they were the ones who brought you back to us."

Sandy took a drink from his coffee mug, and his face grew somber when he continued, "You're moving out has made us think hard, too. We were out of line, Ryan. We should have listened to your hesitations about Trey. We were a little worried about losing you when he first got out of prison, and we didn't want you to have to choose between your families."

Kirsten took off her watch to let Louisa play with it but grimaced and said, "If I hadn't been drinking I would have been more diligent about what was happening in your life, seen how torn you were. You were trying to be careful and we only urged you to the edge."

Ryan waved them off. "I'm not proud of what **I** did at Trey's. Let's put that all behind us, and focus on getting Child Services off my back."

"Okay, that's where I come in," Sandy said rubbing his hands together. "I've gotten a chance to look over the file. They have no evidence of neglect, only an angry ex-girlfriend's hearsay," Sandy explained, "but Child Services is going to need a schedule of her daycare providers."

"She's fine," Ryan said plaintively looking at his happy and healthy child. "Why do I need to prove anything to them?"

"You're in a high risk category – a young single father with only a high school degree, low paying job…" Sandy said.

Ryan shook his head angrily. "They have some nerve; ignoring me and Trey for years and butting in now when there's no problem."

Sandy nodded understandingly. "We'll vouch for you, of course. And they'll be glad to close this file if there are no flags. Kirsten and I talked about it and we'd like to help you with a daycare provider."

Ryan stared stonily into the distant California view of the water but nodded his head. "I'd appreciate it, and I'll pay you back as soon as I can. Arturo and I are fine most of the time, but we'll need someplace steady." His voice was strained but he knew he needed their help for Louisa, and pride wouldn't stand in his way.

"About Arturo," Sandy said then paused, "there's just one thing - you shouldn't include him in the schedule you submit to the state."

Ryan looked up sharply said tightly, "No way."

"He's a big red flag. In and out of trouble since he was a kid, convicted of theft, done some time."

Ryan said loudly, "He's changed, been clean for years, and he's lost his family. I won't take her away, too; I won't do that to him."

Sandy's voice rose with Ryan's. "The D.A. is up for reelection and if you've been watching the news at all there were four children found dead under Child Service's care in Riverside. He's out for blood to show he's tough; the safest course to take is to leave Arturo out."

"I think it might be best if you moved out of Chino too," Kirsten added, "we would love it if you came back here. It's a better environment for her to grow up in."

"What do you mean? What's so great about this place? She won't be looked down at in Chino because she's not lily white, and she won't be torn to shreds by bitchy girls because she doesn't have the right clothes." Ryan words came out in a controlled but heated voice. "We are fine where we are."

Louisa looked up frightened by the new tension and loud words. She held her arms out and whined, and Ryan took her back into his lap. Her eyebrows puckered in worry, and she began to squirm for his attention. Ryan set her down from his lap where she stood between his legs staring up unhappily at him. She let out a few soft whimpers and looked for her dad's reactions, but Ryan only smiled and jangled the bells on her boots instead.

"So you want me and Louisa to come back and live in you the poolhouse?" asked in a quiet but sarcastic voice. "Maybe you can hire a nanny for Louisa, and I can go back to school like she never happened."

Louisa began to move away from Ryan. Kirsten leaned over and tried to pick her up. "I'm worried she's going to scrap her knee on the concrete," she explained.

"She's fine," Ryan said coldly, "I don't want her growing up thinking she needs to be protected from the big bad world. Chino concrete is just as good to fall on."

Louisa stomped around them holding onto whatever she could find, chair legs and real legs. The bells jangled with each move, and she looked up to share a smile with whoever was closest.

Kirsten tried to return Louisa's smile but she looked upset, too. "There are other things like a good education, and opportunities." She looked to Sandy for help.

Sandy cleared his throat. "Son, you may think you're world wise now, but please listen. We know how the system works, and we can make this easy for you."

"Sandy, Kirsten, there's a point of no return with you guys I don't want to cross without being perfectly clear. I don't blame you for not listening about Oliver and Trey because I didn't spell it out. I wasn't sure of myself before so I tried to do it your way. But I'm saying now, straight out, Arturo is a good guy."

"Ryan, please we are just trying to help Louisa and you," Kirsten said anxiously.

"I appreciate everything you've done for me, but if this is how help is given in Newport, I don't want it."

"Ryan," Sandy said warningly.

"You guys are not listening to me… again." Ryan's nose flared and he tried to stay calm. "What good is telling Louisa family is important if we throw out the only family she's know since she was a born?"

"It would only be until Child Services closed the investigation," Sandy offered shifting in his seat uneasily.

"Why bother espousing do-gooder pretensions, Sandy, if you won't stand up when it counts? This is for someone I'm telling you is like blood to me. I couldn't do that to Theresa and live with myself."

Sandy leaned forward earnestly to make his point. "You could lose custody. Sometimes you have to hold your breath and do something unpleasant."

He picked up the bag and gathered Louisa. "And sometimes you have to do what is right," Ryan said softly.

* * *

Author's Note: Once again, Thanks FredSmith! 


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 of Toxic

It was a warm Sunday afternoon, and Ryan sat smoking a cigarette on the front stoop enjoying the cool shadow cast by the house. A short reprieve from all his worries. He blinked at the unexpected sight of the Cohens' Range Rover pulling up along the curb.

"Seth, I don't understand. If Ryan is hurt, he needs to see a doctor." Kirsten's anxious voice could be heard through the rolled down windows.

"Yeah, well, about that… he's fine. I made up the whole story because I wanted to get you guys to Chino stat to cauterize the family trauma. We need to congeal the unit," Seth said weaving his fingers together, "Plan Cheen-O Jell-O I call it."

Sandy closed the driver's side door and said, "Seth, you didn't need a wild plan, scaring us half to death. Your mom and I will always be glad to see Ryan. We all know that."

Seth led the way up the Sanchez sidewalk walking backwards. "So, I'm not sure how he's going to take this little surprise visit. Just follow my lead because I know Ryan, and he's gonna be a little touchy. He told me what happened between you guys at breakfast yesterday in confidence…"

Ryan stood up. Kirsten and Sandy stopped and looked at him hopefully. It hurt him to see them. There was nothing more he wanted to do but to trust them without reservations, and be the young delinquent eager to shed his past and please them. But he was a boy from a fucked up family, who had problems holding back his fists, trouble explaining his thoughts; he was someone who had seen too much, too young. Those were all undeniable parts of his past – a past he hoped stayed in the past. But it was a past that made him see things differently – like whom to trust. He had come to realize Kirsten and Sandy were the most generous and loving people he knew, but not perfect.

His gut instincts about Oliver or Trey had been right. By not trusting himself then, people got hurt. Now everything he did affected Louisa and he had to get it right. He'd deal with Child Services his way, take their damned blood test to prove the obvious – that he was the father, and answer their questions politely, jump through all their hoops but he wouldn't roll over Arturo just to make the process easier. If the worst happened, and his stomach clutched just thinking about it, he could tell her he tried to do right and never stopped fighting for her.

Seth turned and lifted a hand waist high in greeting. "Oh, oh, hey Ryan. Um, how's your day been?"

Ryan eyed them all neutrally. His cigarette was burning low, and he wasn't sure what to do with it. He held it down to his side because he knew how the Cohens felt about smoking.

"So yeah, we were in the 'hood, so to speak, and thought maybe you needed your posse …" Seth's words trailed off.

Sandy held his arms open in a gesture of appeal. "Kirsten and I felt bad about how we left things yesterday and wanted to make it right. We tried calling and calling you but you didn't answer your cell. Then Seth came up for the day and he hijacked us with a fantastic story and bad puns."

Kirsten had been quiet; Ryan had felt her eyes scrutinizing his every move. "Ryan, I didn't know you took up smoking again," she said.

Ryan grimaced slightly before he deliberately sucked on his cigarette and put it out on the handrail. "Yeah, guess so. Look, I appreciate you guys coming but we're fine. Maybe we can come by for another brunch next week?" he asked in what he hoped was a casual tone. He wanted time to get ready for a visit with them, prepare himself so he didn't show how worried he was about Child Services taking away Louisa. He'd show them he could do this himself, his way.

The Cohens stared back at him dumbly, squinting to understand what Ryan meant behind the bland words. In the pause Arturo called out to him, "She wants that estupido horse. Where'd you put it, man?" Arturo opened the screen door with Louisa in his arms. His face broke into an easy smile and he said, "Hey I didn't know we had company."

"See-see," Louisa said demanding attention.

"Okay, we'll find your horsee in a minute," Arturo said and shifted Louisa to offer his hand to Sandy who was standing closest.

"Glad to meet you," Sandy said with enthusiasm shaking his hand, "I'm Sandy and this is my wife, Kirsten. My son, Seth."

They made their greetings while Ryan frowned and looked away.

Arturo didn't seem to notice Ryan's reticence. "I'm so glad I got to meet you before I left. Ryan told me all about you. I really appreciate you helping us out with Louisa. Once you meet her, you can't resist, right? Even though she's a little wild. Sí, mi brancita?" he asked poking Louisa. "My little bronco," he explained to the Cohens, "she's crazy about horses but it's just a phase."

"See-see!" Louisa replied with a small kick of her legs.

"Come inside," he said, "I made some empañadas."

"Empanadas?" Kirsten asked before adding, "how lovely."

"Mom, you are so white!" Seth corrected her, rolling the 'n' with exaggeration. "Empañadas," he repeated.

Arturo shot Seth a disapproving look and Seth shrank back. "The guys are coming over later for a party," Arturo continued, "Not sure if they'll have real food in Utah – that's where my first long haul is. Did Ryan tell you about my promotion?"

They followed him inside. As soon as they entered, Ryan began to toss toys and clothes off the furniture and floor and into a playpen in the corner of the room. Under a book was the toy horse. He took it to Louisa who brightened.

Arturo put her down to let her play with the horse. "Can I get anyone else a beer, soda?" he asked.

There were polite negative murmurs, and it seemed to dawn on Arturo there was a lot of tension in the room. "I'll let you guys catch up then," he said suddenly somber. He left with a puzzled and vaguely hurt expression on his face.

Seth got down on the carpet to play with Louisa. Their nonsensical play filled the strained room.

Ryan continued to pick up around the living room, too embarrassed to meet Kirsten or Sandy's eyes.

Sandy put a hand on Ryan's elbow. "Let's talk?" he asked tentatively.

Ryan nodded equally hesitant but said quietly, "I haven't changed my mind. I'm not mad, but Louisa, Arturo and I, we're going to be okay. I'm sorry about telling Arturo… lying to Arturo about your helping us. I didn't want him to worry on his first big job." He glanced uneasily to the room where Arturo had gone.

"Ryan, hear me out. Arturo seems like a nice guy. I never meant to offend him or you. We'll go to the mat for Arturo, we'll get testimonials from everyone and their mother. I'll grease all the wheels I know of."

"We'll do it your way. We hear you, finally," Kirsten said apologetically. "We were wrong to push Trey back into your life, and it would be wrong for us to push Arturo and Chino out of your life."

"But if I find out they're gonna," Sandy paused and said with a lowered voice, "take her then we'll do it my way. Okay?" The question seemed to hang between a demand and plea.

Ryan saw Sandy's logic, no matter how distasteful it was. With all of Sandy's resources put to Arturo's defense he knew the chances of Child Services going that far would drop dramatically. Ryan's chest tightened and his mouth dried, they had listen to him after all. He had missed them, missed having someone to turn to for parenting advice and for advice on how to finish up growing himself. It was too scary to think about being so alone. Who could turn down an invitation to a family he trusted and respected his opinions?

"I'm not your responsibility anymore, or Louisa either," Ryan protested half-heartedly.

"When you moved in with us, when we first met Louisa, I knew that we would never take another easy breath again without knowing you guys were safe," Sandy said earnestly.

"So, we're like asthma?" he asked with a smirk. He knew what Sandy meant; he was a father too. It made him light headed to hear Sandy and Kirsten still felt that way about him.

"Dude, it's okay. I think he means that in a good way," Seth called over to Ryan.

"Oh," Ryan said without meaning. He glanced at Kirsten and Sandy a few times. "Thanks," he mumbled to the floor, "Thanks for listening, thanks for helping… thanks."

Kirsten went to him and put her arms around him. "We love you, Ryan," she said simply. Her eyes were wet but she smiled.

Ryan nodded slowly and raised his arms to return the hug. He glanced at Sandy standing beside him. He broke from Kirsten and offered his hand to Sandy. Swallowing the lump in his throat Ryan said gruffly, "I love you guys, too," Sandy ignored Ryan's hand and pounded Ryan on the back.

Seth carried Louisa in his arms over to them. Louisa made a lunge for Ryan but Kirsten intercepted and took her into her own arms. Louisa cried out and twisted to looked for Ryan, but Ryan simply rubbed her back in Kirsten's arms and Louisa quickly settled contently.

"Breathing easier now, Dad?" Seth asked.

"Yeah," Sandy laughed and added, "let's find Arturo and get some empañadas."


	9. Epilogue

Author's Note: Okay, this is saccharine sweet so be warned. It also violates the No Mary Sue fan fiction law, but i couldn't resist. Also, I've updated Chapter 8. Mostly added some minor details - about 3 paragraphs worth, but the basics are the same.

Thanks for the beta, FredSmith!  
Thanks for reading and commenting, everybody!

* * *

Epilogue 

The lights were turned off but the candles on the cake lit up the little girl's face. She flushed as her family and friends gathered around singing 'Happy Birthday'. She was six today, well, really yesterday but she'd had to go to school yesterday and everyone had had to work because it was Friday. Saturdays were better for parties because you could start earlier and everyone could stay later for dinner. Today they were having her favorites: empañadas, Pad Thai, and pizza.

She ripped open the package next to her, ignoring the card, when she noticed her dad's frown. He was good at that, telling her stuff like 'read the card and say thank you' without saying a word. But she knew he wasn't really mad. If he was, she would feel him get even more quiet and sad like she disappointed him. But her dad was so not sad lately; Mia was hanging around all the time. There had always been pretty ladies who wanted to be friends with her dad, but this time her dad asked Louisa if Mia Hsu could hang out with them more. Mia was okay, they played Barbie together and she let her put on makeup when Dad went to school at night. She had long black hair and was pretty in a different way and talked really fast in a funny way on the phone to her family. Her dad said it was Chinese. He also said he would always have a place for her in his heart; it just grew bigger to fit them both.

The present was a comic book of her as Bronca Baby, a regular kid sometimes and a bronco who could gallop super-duper fast to help hurt bunnies in the forest or gave rides to lonely children other times. Uncle Seth wrote real books for work, but he gave her a Bronca Baby comic book every birthday and Chrismukkah. Uncle Seth kissed her and she thanked him. He was her funny uncle; most of the time she didn't know what he was saying but she laughed with him anyways because he always played games she liked and took her sailing. She didn't really, really like normal comic books that much but she didn't want to hurt his feelings. She loved _Misty of Chincoteague_ and How Does It Work books best. She put the present away so it wouldn't get wrinkled and she didn't want her friends from school to think she was a baby. Her family just didn't get that she was big now. But Aunt Summer whispered to her that she would go shopping with her tomorrow. She made fancy dresses for famous people and knew the coolest places.

The next present was huge – she guessed new riding boots. She opened the card and looked for her Tio Turo to smile a 'thanks' to. He was still in his driver's uniform and laughing with Gramps. She was glad he could make it home in time for the party. He went away for weeks sometimes but they always had a special day together when he came back. Tio Turo remembered when she was born, and even when her mother was born! He told the best stories about her mother when she was a little girl.

But her favorite story that he told was about Gramps, Tio, and her dad when she was a little baby. She made him tell it over and over because he told it in so many different ways. The story starts right after her mom died and the police were worried about her. Gramps stood up really tall and made a smart speech about how nice Tio Turo and her dad were. Sometimes in the story Gramps yells and hits his hand against the judge's table and made them listen to Tio Turo and her dad. Then everyone just knew they should be allowed to live together. That was the probly the truest way to tell the story because in real life Gramps is super smart and goes to court and helps good people. Other times Tio changed the story so that the police came with guns but Tio and her dad stood in front of the house and wouldn't let them in – the bullets couldn't hurt them! Tio had a whole bunch more ways to tell the story but those were her favorites. Tio only moved out last year when he met her new Tia Anita. She got to be the flower girl, and wear a fancy dress and everything.

The next package was small, but she knew better than to think it wasn't as nice. It was a beautiful necklace. Her grandparents had lots of money but her dad said that that wasn't the important thing. She knew he was right but it sure was a nice thing to go to their big mansion and swim in the pool, and order anything for dinner over the phone. She went there on the weekends or overnight when her dad had a big test or he and Mia wanted to go away where kids weren't allowed. A few times when she came home with expensive presents from her grandma, her dad would get all red and ask me to go to my room so he could talk to her alone. Then, it was no new toys or dresses for a long, long time.

Her dad worked for Kiki - that's what she called her grandma, and only she was allowed to call her that – just like only her dad could call her Louie even though Tio Turo didn't like it. Kiki said when Louisa called her 'Kiki' it reminded Kiki of her father that died; Kiki's father made up the nickname. Kiki and her father used to do what Kiki and Louisa's dad did now - build tall buildings in Newport and small but nice houses in Chino together. Sometimes she got to wear her hardhat and go with them to make sure the buildings were built right. Kiki and her dad were always so excited when they talked about work together and sometimes they would forget she was there. But she didn't mind because she liked to see them happy.

She tore through the rest of the presents from her friends, making sure to thank each person. Everyone was finishing their cake and going in different directions now. But her dad came over to give her a birthday kiss. It was her birthday and she was the luckiest girl in the world because her family was the best in the world.

If only she had her own pony…


End file.
